From My Darker Days

The darkness is nothing new to me.
It sometimes lightens,
as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
But always, always it returns.
A tweak in the medicine here. A new way of thinking there.
A new way of facing God or dealing with spiritually.

Suicide is always knocking at my door
Beckoning me to experience relief
From the pain no one else can
I fight it.
Sometimes better than others.

The impulse to run is there.
Run where?
Don’t know.
Away. Alone.
Free from pain. But it will follow.

Why do I have the honor of this pain?
Is God calling me to something more
Of which I am unable to grasp?
I feel alone on an island.
Without human help.
Without godly help.
Nothing works.

I just want to sleep.  Forever.


2 Replies to “From My Darker Days”

  1. I'm so grateful I am no longer in that place, but know so many are. I was told what you tell your clients. Dealing with a chronic severe mood disorder at the time, it only made things worse. I felt like a failure because I couldn't “pick up the oars”. Every time I tried, I fell overboard and just got worse. In the end, it all worked out with meds, therapy and prayer.


  2. It is like I tell my clients, you can sit in the victim's boat and dwell on things and get no place, or you can pick up the Ores and help yourself. You do not have to be a victim forever.


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