I do not write regularly because I cannot bring myself to subject myself to pain in times of peace. That is where I have been lately – in peace. The depression has finally lifted and I can smile again. It is so nice to laugh, to have a light heart, to be able to give of self rather than take.
However, when I think about the abuse, I am still hurt by it. So the natural thing, I think, is to avoid it. Why touch a hot iron when I know it will hurt? Somehow I think continuing to explore it will help me move towards forgiveness and the ability to totally leave it behind, if there is such a thing.
Since my abuser has passed away, I have not been able to confront him. The cemetery in which he is buried is some 4 hours away. I will be somewhat close to that town next weekend so am seriously considering visiting his grave. I’m not sure why or what I hope to accomplish. I feel drawn to do so and have been for over 3 years. I am probably going to do it.
Forgiveness and giving up resentments is hard. It is only by the grace of God that one can do so. I am having to ask for extra grace these days as I endeavor to do these things.